Levi Says:

[Felix]

Somehow I ended up being the silly bastard who follows the Fates: who's names I can barely pronounce, much less spell. (I'm a great follower indeed) But Levi seems to be my little Magic 8 ball, so drop a line and have Levi answer all of your daily personal needs.

Ex: Which god must I curse for misplacing matching socks during laundry.

Ans: Not a god at all, but rather a horror. Cthulu uses random socks as tentacle warmers. And trust me, once he's had his dirty little mits on 'em, you don't want them back. Take $5 to Wal-Mart and buy a new pack and just consider the missing socks an offering so that he doesn't eat your cat.

[Solarious]

Alright! Answers from Levi. This should be fun...

Question: Where can I find my missing kitty Fluffy?

That was from my sholder surfer, by the by. I totally do not have a kitten named Fluffy.

[Felix]

Question: Where can I find my missing kitty Fluffy?


First things first. It's very important that you are not ashamed of your blatently retarded naming schemes for your pets. Cats do not speak our language, so the word "Fluffy" most likely translates to mean "King of the domain" instead of "small furry critter I cuddle because nobody loves me."

That out of the way... here you go ->

http://i13.photobucket.com/albums/a268/FelixMG26/791262.jpg

I was hoping to find him a good home free of humiliating and immasculating names.

[Solarious]

I would tell you all the things my friend is saying, but one, you can probably hear it already since you -are- the television surfer who spys on all our lives, cackling at misfortunes and mass suffering of the stupid, and two, I would violate a thousand forum censors and bring the wrath of countless newly-ordained mods onto me.

Clearly, it would be in my interests to do so otherwise, but I'll err on the side of caution and keep my itchy fingers silent.

Alright, how about a real question?

Question: What is your favorite method of annoying your sister? It seems like something you would enjoy doing. Oh, and when do you offer your free tours of the Twelve Towers? Trying to pick up tips on total dispair and abject apathy. Purely for research reasons, you know.

[Felix]

My condolences to your less-than-understanding friend on the delicate cycle of existence... for felines. Just be happy it didn't end up in a wok down the street from you.



Question: What is your favorite method of annoying your sister? It seems like something you would enjoy doing. Oh, and when do you offer your free tours of the Twelve Towers? Trying to pick up tips on total dispair and abject apathy. Purely for research reasons, you know.


Annoyance of ones' sister is a fine art that must be tuned over a vast amount of time to ensure that the comedic timing is at near-aphex level. The important thing to remember is that my sister tries far too hard to be the good girl. I.E. Granny panties. Prior to any "BIG IMPORTANT MEETINGS" that the do-gooder sorts hold, thinking that I have no knowledge of this... I like to steal all of her underwear and replace it with tight-fitting black thongs... the inside of which have been coated with a fine layer of paprika. The rest I'll leave to your imagination.

As for the Twelve Towers.. I am a salesman at heart. I like to wait until the offer is as tempting as possible, usually sprung upon Christians in their pathetic plees of Why God? Why? Over something as trite as say... owing on their income taxes, a visit from the repo man... or their missing pets. When life couldn't POSSIBLY get more bleak for these poor souls, I come offering a better solution.

Sometimes I wear silly hats to these events. Nobody can deny the humor of silly hats...

[Domini]

Silly hats are indeed silly...

Q: When will the world end, and which god will kill us all?

[Felix]

Q: When will the world end, and which god will kill us all?

You should of course realize by now that I don't give precise answers... but the powers that be WILL allow me to state "the Hour draws nearer everyday." And fie on you for asking... That'd be like getting inside information and letting you sell all of your stock! You should be more like the avatar... living everyday like it's your last... because you never know when you're going to get jumped at 5am on no sleep with all your Glow spent by a hoard of ravenous.... *shuffles through card deck* Ah hah! Yes... a hoard of ravenous bulldykes.

As for which god gets the privilege of ending your retched existence... That has yet to be decided. Now the sub-species tend to believe it's a battle between the dark and the balance when the Hour strikes that will lead to the ultimate decision of the fate of the world. In actuality, it comes down to a game of Jenga between the gods. Eventually the dark gods will get on the patch and quit smoking so much and that little quiver in their hands that comes from an unfed addiction will no longer hinder them from succeeding in this challenge.

I for one hope they never win... the look on your faces when a darkling crawls out of your sock-drawer is PRICELESS. You'd think by now it'd get old... but no.. while so many things lose their luster, THAT expression never ceases to split my sides in fits of laughter.

[Domini]

You'd think that their shaky hands would enable them to accidentally destroy the world, wouldn't you?

[Felix]

Let's not confuse worlds with snow-globes shall we?

[Solarious]

Back into the line of frivolous questions: Whom should we blame for the existance of nightmares in which flying brownies with teeth chase you down like a wounded gazzelle and gobble you up alive? Because I'm really tired of having the same one over and over again, plus I can't look at my cookie jar anymore. IT'S STARVING ME OF SUGAR!!! Please, you have to tell me whom to crush under my heel so I can once more taste the delights of homemade chocolate chunks...

[Christopher Ashe]

I blame Michael Moore for those.

[Felix]

I blame Michael Moore for those.

I blame him for wet dreams...

For the answer to that... you'll have to wait for the Dreamscape supplement :D I for one would blame the Hatter, but that fugger gives me the heebie-jeebies...

[Solarious]

Alright, this 'Hatter' person in a dream plane of some sort is the cause of my woes. I can deal with that. What I cannot deal with is the fact you keep on tossing unannounced supplements with all these wonderful tidbits like some crass kid at a zoo who pelts tigers with peanuts to get them to move! It's worse than the sugar withdrawl!

AAARRRGGGGHHHH

Crushing Micheal More, however, will be just fine for the moment.

*stomps out with a giant mecha the size of the Empire State Building*

Now then. Where is the little darkling that stole my pants? I'm getting a cold draft in here... very uncomfortable.

[Domini]

you'll have to wait for the Dreamscape supplement :D

Either that was a slip of the tongue, or a really good leak. Whichever it was, I can't wait for this "Dreamscape Supplement."

[simon_church]

Dammit Felix! You're gonna give these ppl a heart attack with all these hints you keep dropping! :)

[Domini]

Heart attack? I'm beyond those, more on to exploding heads from anticipation.

Don't stop, though. It's always fun to see what's coming up.

[Solarious]

Agreed, heart attacks are for the weak and the undevout. Head explosions are nice, but I personally perfer arson and acts of anarchy, for S13, Cycle of Existance is truly a herald of the End of the World. Not surprising, since the Leviathian's description does come bundled into the whole package.

Speaking of which, I'll ask again:

Where would the Darkling who went off with my pants is? My legs feel like they froze off. Plus, a certain demonic hare is demanding pants in tribute or suffer the pain of being devoured alive.

[Felix]

Where would the Darkling who went off with my pants is? My legs feel like they froze off.

He was 13 miles south of Boston, Mass. at the time that I made this post. Rumor has it that he was headed to Maine to harass Mr. King himself in hopes of landing a cameo scene in the next novel.

Your pants, however, were discarded in Hershey, Pennsylvania. Apparently some pale, elderly woman was sporting a skirt that didn't quite match her varicose veins and the Darkling performed an act of humanity (mostly by my own beckoning)


Plus, a certain demonic hare is demanding pants in tribute or suffer the pain of being devoured alive.

I would like to state for the record, that while I peed a little the first time I watched that scene from Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy Grail, foul-tempered, long-jumping bunny rabbits are nothing for the common hero to fear. I suggest you quit being a little girl and tell that audacious rodent to take the largest carrot in the patch and shove it where the Leviathan Himself would never find.

[simon_church]

I do have a legitimate question for you Levi.
Are the rumors of your sister and the 'Ultimate Evil's' relationship true?
And if so, how do you feel about that?

[Domini]

Aren't sisters and the "Ultimate Evil" the same?

[Felix]

I do have a legitimate question for you Levi.
Are the rumors of your sister and the 'Ultimate Evil's' relationship true?
And if so, how do you feel about that?

I suddenly want something very bad to happen to you...

Oh! Wait! It will... :twisted:


Aren't sisters and the "Ultimate Evil" the same?

They are of close relation, like different breeds of cat.

[Domini]

Like the Scottish Fold, which you have to breed it with another breed to get teh purebred cat?

[simon_church]

Woah! Cat breeding? I so didnt expect the topic to go in THAT direction. lol

[Solarious]

I would like to state for the record, that while I peed a little the first time I watched that scene from Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy Grail, foul-tempered, long-jumping bunny rabbits are nothing for the common hero to fear. I suggest you quit being a little girl and tell that audacious rodent to take the largest carrot in the patch and shove it where the Leviathan Himself would never find.I take it you are not quite aware (http://www.dungeoncrawlinc.com/comic6.html) of the demonic (http://www.dungeoncrawlinc.com/comic24.html) hare (http://www.dungeoncrawlinc.com/comic26.html) named Lepus (http://www.dungeoncrawlinc.com/cast.html) (scroll down) who has an actual pants fetish (http://www.dungeoncrawlinc.com/comic29.html), and quite capable (http://www.dungeoncrawlinc.com/comic199.html) of kicking ass and taking lives (http://www.dungeoncrawlinc.com/comic198.html). And come on, who doesn't love fluffy demonic bunnies who eats people and steals pants? Well, except when they steal your pants and try to eat you alive. :shock:

I also have to say I love the The Archdruid (http://www.dungeoncrawlinc.com/comic25.html) *cues ominous music*, now The Archdryad (http://www.dungeoncrawlinc.com/comic201.html). Can you tell I like this webcomic a lot? :twisted:

That being said, new pointless question!

"What do you call a group of Gods? A Divine? Or something stranger yet unflappably appropiate?"

[Felix]

Yes... beautiful comic.. I stand by my former statement.



"What do you call a group of Gods? A Divine? Or something stranger yet unflappably appropiate?"

If the gods are foul-tempered - Maelstrom
If the gods are mischeviously playful - a Troop
If the gods are blatently homosexual - a Gaggle
If the gods are all sleeping - Freeloaders
and if the group is intermixed - a bunch of short guys

[simon_church]

Oh hey.
Found your remote btw
the 'Ultimate Evil' left it at my house last week
you wouldnt believe the crap he keeps in his stomach *bleh*

[Solarious]

You're a Fate, you can turn him into a carrot if you liked. I have to fend... wait... GAH! I'm still using this throat, Lepus! GET OFF ME!

*sounds of brutal massacares*

Gaaa...hh..kkkk

[Felix]

Wow! WOW! Hey now!

.. yeah...

...You're cleaning that up... just so you know...

*Sets a mop to the side* whenever you're ready

[Solarious]

*wheels back into the thread on a motorized stretcher, Squidward-style, appearance not dissimilar to a mummy, breathing with the help of a ventilator hooked up to oxygen tanks*

*nudges the mop around with a cast foot*

*manages to draw the next question on the floor with bloody/soapy water before cleaning it off as well*

"WhY LEvI? paIN InCOmPrEhENsiBlE. SuFfERinG... aGoNy... wISh tO scReAM cAnNoT... WYh..."

*thread fills with the sound of the ventilator, which also sounds disturbingly like Darth Vadar's infamous breathing*

[Felix]

"WhY LEvI? paIN InCOmPrEhENsiBlE. SuFfERinG... aGoNy... wISh tO scReAM cAnNoT... WYh..."

Through the passing of time, myself and the other overseers of all reality have come to notice with great dissatisfaction that, even the truest of followers, will sometimes come to whining in disgust for the sacred honors that we have bestowed upon them...

Take for instance the smokers of the world. They are shunned for their addictions and even turn to suing the tobacco companies when, point in fact, the tobacco companies have done them a favor. By calming their nerves and teaching them to live with only minute sources of air, a race of people who are capable of holding their breath for longer was invented.

Now teaching you to perform what would standardly be considered as a mindless task under extreme complications teaches you that, even when all hope is lost, the human will is strong enough to overcome such hardships. I am creating within yourself a true warrior and a force to be reckoned with when the odds are against you.

Oh.. and I like watching you squirm.

You are so my bitch.

[Solarious]

I quote Roy Greenhilt here....

"I dream of the day when I will stop asking questions to which I will regret learning the answers."

[Felix]

Examples of these types of questions (in the past) have been:

1. Is Santa Claus real - Yup! Pedophiles are everywhere.. although somewhere along the way.. his bag of boys became a sack of toys.

2. Was my girlfriend born a girl - bless you for your understanding

3. When am I gonna die? - Why waste time on math when I have your apartment rigged with explosives?

4. Is my wife cheating on me? - I'll let Dr. Phil handle this one...

5. Why is pizza so tastey? - Because it's made from people, everybody likes their own brand.

6. Why is it I can eat all the time and never gain weight? - I'd blame the cancer if I was you. Oh.. that's right.. you didn't know about the cancer..

7. Why is Jack In the Box so cheap? - They save money on beef by shitting in the fryer and calling it a Taco. 2 shits for a buck isn't disturbing.. it's INGENIUS!

8. Whatever happened to Mr. Rogers? - He went back to war once he found out Iraq was mocking his mastery of puppetry. He's a zealot of Khintana if ever there was one

9. Has anybody ever gotten herpies from their dog licking them before? - Nope.. you're the first...

10. What is the meaning of life? - It's a race to drink and fornicate as much as possible for the amusement of the gods... and you're waaaay behind in the standings. Now... BACK TO WORK, BITCHES!

[Natalie]

Hahahaha! Well, that just answered a lot of my questions.

[Domini]

3. When am I gonna die? - Why waste time on math when I have your apartment rigged with explosives?

What if I don't own said apartment and live with my parents (I'm 17... not in my 20s, so give me a break)? Whose apartment do you have rigged then?

[Felix]

What if I don't own said apartment and live with my parents (I'm 17... not in my 20s, so give me a break)? Whose apartment do you have rigged then?

:twisted:

It seems that I forgot that you people still measure things in time rather than events. In your case, my little friend, you will live to see the day that you no longer live under the rule of your parents.... just not much longer.

Sleep tight!

[Domini]

Damnit...

Why do you have to have all the bases covered?

[simon_church]

Damn! You're screwed no matter what when it comes to the fates.
But look on the bright side Domini, Levi may get too distracted watching the Zealots on TV and forget all about that bombing your apartment thing :)

[Domini]

Or he might forget about the explosives and uncover the detonation button while searching for something in his cabinet, and, trying to remember what it will do, push the big red dot.

[Felix]

Or maybe I'll just get tired of waiting for you to move out and set your parents' house afuzz with a thousand rotten rabid rodents with an appetite for flesh and a fetish for fingers.

If I were you, I'd learn to type with my toes. :lol:

[simon_church]

Look man! Just because you can type with YOUR toes, doesn't give the right to enforce it on the rest of the world. Just who do you think you are?!

[Domini]

What if I can type a word a minute with my toes and that word is "I"? Does that count?

[VeX]

Or maybe I'll just get tired of waiting for you to move out and set your parents' house afuzz with a thousand rotten rabid rodents with an appetite for flesh and a fetish for fingers.

I, for one, dearly hope you do that. He never did anything to deserve fingers in the first place.

[Felix]

As I've started running with a new crew in order to promote to new audiences and non-believers, a question was posed about a certain d20 gaming system that I felt it would be appropriate to address:

Why is it that half-elves, half-orcs, half-trolls and halflings are always half human as well?

The answer to this is quite simple. The males of your species will put it in anything.

Which brings up another good question... what's the other half of a halfling anyway? Not hairy enough to be a dwarf.. I think it's just a genetic thing. Or maybe they're just ugly Asa, neh?

Ah well, as this board seems to be all but dead, I just want you to know that I am always with you... even when you're sleeping... mmm..... :evil:

-Levi

"Perhaps I should start charging for the tour and make myself a prophet."

[austinmonster]

Human = whores. Or perhaps you could say that we simply have the most tenacious labido. Dosen't EVERYTHING live longer than humans afterall? It makes sense from a logical standpoint.

If you guys are looking for more players here around town, Send me a ruttin' email! I have a powerful boredom.

[Felix]

I'll mention it to Asse....

typo intended. Althought I do still feel bad that I ignore all requests to hang out that don't come in E-vite format.

[Felix]

*Tap tap tap on the Magic 13 Ball*

8 balls are so passe. Nobody wants to play no more =(

I'm a sad sad man

[Constantine]

If you're still around Felix, thanks for that thread, I needed the laugh.